Published inSlackjawHow To Assemble A Nightstand, As A Modern Single Man In Your TwentiesIt’s as easy as one, two, three, four, five…Nov 30, 20218Nov 30, 20218
Published inGreener Pastures MagazineHelp, I Got Into College And Now I Can’t Get OutTingo the Tub promised me a future, but all he’s done is scrub away my dreams. Please come get me out of here!May 27, 2021May 27, 2021
Sorry Lil Nas X, But You’re Definitely Going To Heaven (Not Hell)As a real devil-worshipper, I’m here to tell Lil Nas X that he’s not going to Hell, but is definitely doomed to eternal life in Heaven.Mar 29, 2021Mar 29, 2021
I’m Prince William, And I Didn’t Say That Horribly Racist Thing About A Baby (But Did Say Plenty…I did not say that horribly racist thing about my younger brother’s then-unborn baby. I did, however, say plenty of other questionable…Mar 8, 2021Mar 8, 2021
Published inSlackjawI Am Olivia Rodrigo’s Birth Certificate And Her Next Hit Song Should Be About MeA song about the most common government document is sure to be a smash hit!Jan 30, 20211Jan 30, 20211
Published inSlackjawMake The Sponge FuckA children’s cartoon is no place for asexuality!Jun 29, 20205Jun 29, 20205
Published inThe HavenUltra-Devout Trump Urges Nation to Turn the Other Cheek to Systemic RacismIn a recent address to the nation from the Rose Garden amid widespread protests against police brutality and systemic racism against Black…Jun 4, 20201Jun 4, 20201
Published inSlackjawWhy Umbrellas Must Die, As Told By A Recently Separated Father of TwoThe umbrella is a machine of misery and must be destroyed.Feb 15, 20203Feb 15, 20203
