Lil Nas X “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” (Fair Use)

Pop star Lil Nas X recently released a music video for his new song “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” that features the singer descending into Hell, enjoying carnal pleasure with Satan, and then snapping the Fallen Angel’s neck and assuming his place on the Fiery Throne. While Lil Nas X’s dream of reaching Hell is something I and my fellow traditional Satanists relate to, I’m sorry to say that he will never achieve it.

As a real devout devil-worshipper, I’m here to tell Lil Nas X that he’s not going to Hell, but instead is definitely doomed to eternal…


Younger brothers can be so annoying, right? If they’re not stealing your biscuits and pouring salt in your tea, they’re separating themselves from the royal family and sitting down with Oprah Winfrey for a tell-all interview. Well, I saw what my brother Harry’s wife Meghan Markle said about an “unnamed family member” being worried his baby’s skin would be “too dark,” and I also saw many on Twitter assume that family member was me.

I’m here to defend myself. I did not say that horribly racist thing about my younger brother’s then-unborn baby. …


Olivia Rodrigo “drivers license” (Fair Use)

As a formal government document that lives at the bottom of a fireproof box, I’m used to completely missing pop culture trends. I didn’t find out about Lil Nas X until months after “Old Town Road” first came out, and even then it was only because I have an alert set-up on my phone for any news related to Billy Ray Cyrus. But the power of the latest pop culture wave is so great that even I can feel it.

I’m Olivia Rodrigo’s birth certificate, and her next song should totally be about me.

Look, I’m extremely glad that Olivia…


Image Copyright: Nickelodeon (Fair Use)

As the parent of a young child, it is my duty to shield them from the filth and perversion that permeates our culture. This has become increasingly difficult, but there is one place I long thought safe: Bikini Bottom. Yes, Bikini Bottom, a bastion of good-natured, family-focused entertainment. Sure, the squirrel sometimes wears a swimsuit, but I can look past that little adult-oriented treat because I never taught my child to swim, and he thus has no idea what a swimsuit is.

Recently, Nickelodeon took my underwater safe haven and turned it into a depraved, rainbow-colored hell-hole. They have claimed…


In a recent address to the nation from the Rose Garden amid widespread protests against police brutality and systemic racism against Black Americans, uber-religious President Donald Trump urged the nation to make like Jesus and turn the other cheek.

“I have had this book read to me many, many times,” the devout Trump told reporters as he clutched a Bible like he’d never held an object before, the faint scent of tear gas used to disperse protesters still lingering in the air. …


Photo by Sabbaar Khan from Pexels

Most technological innovations go through periods of improvement in the years following their initial invention. The umbrella, meant to defend us from the scourge of sky moisture, has instead remained relatively unchanged since it was invented approximately 4,000 years ago. No, I didn’t fact check that, but Karen never checked her facts before making wild accusations, so why should I?

The umbrella needs to die. It is a flimsy, limp, sad little contraption that is unreliable and emotionally unavailable. The slightest breeze, just the slightest provocation, will have the whole thing flipping inside out and leaving you out in the…

Darren Incorvaia

A PhD candidate procrastinating writing his dissertation until one day, hopefully, he dies.

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